Meghan Barlow’s second session in our parenting series, “Feelings: An Art and A Science,” was October 16. This presentation focused on the difference between feelings and behaviors.

Barlow stressed that you can manage your child’s behaviors, but you can’t manage their feelings, oftentimes you are just along for the ride. Learning to shape behavior starts with recognizing the A, B, C’s of the behavior.

A = Antecedent (What happened right before?)

B = Behavior (How did the child respond to what happened?)

C = Consequences (What happened next?)

Barlow notes that consequences are either reinforcing or punishing. If a behavior is continuing, the consequence might be reinforcing. If an undesirable behavior is continuing, examine what the response has been to the behavior; perhaps it’s been a reinforcing consequence. Barlow ended with a 5-step approach for how to handle explosions and meltdowns:

1) Collect Yourself - Pause, take a break

2) Detach - Step back from the situation

3) Validate - Mirror / reflect your child’s feelings back to them by repeating their words

4) Wait for the Break - Look for volume changes, face softening, gaze changing

5) Normalize / Ground - Bring your body language and tone in the direction that you want your child’s to go.