Teen Talk: Cracking the Code

HCF Welcomes Renowned Parenting Expert Michelle Icard

On September 25, 2024 Hudson Community First welcomed Michelle Icard, as she presented “Teen Talk: Cracking the Code of Adolescent Communication” to parents, based on her book Fourteen Talks By Age Fourteen. The interactive and informative presentation focused on helping parents understand the transformation of the adolescent brain into an adult brain. This transformation is the driving force behind a teen's communication style and skills. Icard stressed the importance of understanding that during adolescence, the amygdala takes over as the "manager" of the brain. Unlike the frontal lobe, the amygdala craves risk, causing the teen to make more impulsive and emotional decisions. While this can be frustrating for parents to navigate, it's a critical part of becoming an adult and normal to adolescent development.

Parents can support this development by allowing their teen to take risks - within parameters - in the open. Icard notes that risk-taking to a teen can be as simple as calling to order a pizza or emailing the teacher to ask a question. Risks can be positive or negative and allowing your teen to take some positive risks helps reduce the chance that they will engage in negative risk-taking.

Attendees also walked away with some practical tips and tricks for communicating with their teen, including these three do's and don'ts:

When communicating with your teen:

• Don't appear needy -- Take your time to get the attention and affection you, as a parent, might be craving from your teen.

• Don't be passive aggressive -- Speak from a place of honesty and truth.

• Don't be vague or absolute -- Your teen will call you out on your "Never" and "Always" statements!

Alternatively, here are some things you should do when communicating with your teen:

• Do be a good assistant manager (that should be your role now!) -- Be a good listener and team player.

• Do avoid the ambush -- Instead of coming at your teen as soon as they come home with chores, for example, give them options for when it would be a good time to talk about what needs to be done.

• Do have a “Botox brow” -- While adults can accurately read emotion onacial expressions with nearly 100% accuracy, the teen brain (with the amygdala in charge) is only able to do so 50% of the time, with anger as the default perceived emotion. Try to have a neutral face when communicating with your teen to avoid emotional confusion.

Finally, Michelle Icard introduced the B.R.I.E.F. method of communicating with your teen. Her book, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, contains 14+ scripted prompts using this method for parents to use to engage in difficult conversations. The method is simple:

B = Begin Peacefully

R = Relate to your Kid

I = Interview to Collect Data

E = Echo what you are hearing

F = Feedback

Icard notes that it's best to start this model on topics with no consequence to get your teen used to this new way of communicating safely and collaboratively.